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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24453016">the door between us</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly'>angstonly</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>finding my way back universe [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band), WAYV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arranged Marriage, Brothers, Family, Family Drama, Friends to Lovers, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Strangers to Lovers, also might have a little bit of kunten</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:35:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,335</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24453016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Renjun thinks back to when they had first moved here, back when he was eleven and everything was peaceful. Back then, things were much simpler. He was just a child with three brothers who loved being with each other, brothers who spent all of their time with each other without ever getting bored. He wishes he would have known that that summer would be their last summer of peace.</p><p>Now, they're all barely home at the same time. Guanheng spends most of his with Dejun and Yangyang, while Chenle is often out doing God knows what in God knows where. And Sicheng… Renjun doesn't know anything about Sicheng anymore.</p><p>(or: the story of the dong brothers—one loses his voice in his agony, one struggles with letting go of his pride, one adjusts to a life he never wanted, and one fills his emptiness with all the wrong pieces.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Liu Yang Yang/Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>finding my way back universe [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. come back to us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>oh my god okay i finally started writing this!!! even though there will be romance, i would like to say that the main focus of this story is the relationship between the brothers. i would also like to remind everyone that this is completely fictional!! there will be times you will get frustrated with characters but again, it's all just fictional. :D</p><p>special thank you to carly, bianca, brea, deni, tima, and lil for all the support for this fic! i pushed forward in writing largely because of your encouragement. ♡</p><p>playlist: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6oXs5bTKaa76WuQSkP6qCE?si=izLfHFIpQyaNqB_JwJD1Tg">link</a></p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Renjun takes a deep breath. Then finally, he says, "I'm marrying Xuxi."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>alright here we go !! an emotional first chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p>"Jesus, Renjun, did you run all the way here?"</p><p>Donghyuck pulls Renjun in, closing the door behind him. It was four in the morning when he checked the time, eyebrows furrowed because Renjun doesn't usually do this—he doesn't just show up at their door, hair matted against his forehead, frazzled and distraught like the world was collapsing at his feet.</p><p>"I'll make us some coffee," Jaemin yawns, running a hand through his hair. "Tea for you, Jun?"</p><p>Renjun nods wordlessly, toeing his shoes off, following Donghyuck into their kitchen. He takes a seat next to Donghyuck on the counter, watching Jaemin reach for mugs for all three of them. The sight of his fluffy pink robe is oddly comforting to him, though he isn't entirely sure why. Familiarity, perhaps? Whatever it is, he pays it no mind. It calms him, and that's what he chooses to focus on.</p><p>In retrospect, Renjun knows that going anywhere at this hour without any of his bodyguards is a horrible (not to mention <em>dangerous</em>) idea. Still, his body had moved before he even realized he had run. The way Donghyuck looks at him tells him that a scolding is well on its way, but Donghyuck holds his tongue and waits for Renjun instead. Renjun is thankful, of course. He doesn't really need to be reprimanded—he <em>knows</em> that it was irresponsible.</p><p>"Thank you," he tells Jaemin, who stands across from Renjun on the counter as soon as he hands over the tea. The ceramic is warm in his hands, steam visible as he stares at the leaves steeping in the hot water. His heart is beating so fast, thumping harshly against his chest that it might as well cave into itself from the impact. Jaemin waves at someone behind him, which Renjun assumes is either one of the maids or the housekeeper.</p><p>The three of them drink in silence.</p><p>Until finally, Renjun says, "I'm engaged. At least, I'm about to be."</p><p>Jaemin and Donghyuck share a quick look, foreheads creased with evident bemusement. They turn back to Renjun, and Renjun would laugh at the mirrored expressions on their faces if not for the panic that has overtaken every nerve in his body. It's not uncommon in their community to be engaged so young. Jaemin and Donghyuck, for example, had been promised to each other since they were only twelve years of age. They blink at him, a quiet urging for him to continue.</p><p>Renjun takes a deep breath. Then finally, he says, "I'm marrying Xuxi."</p><p>Donghyuck chokes on his coffee and spills onto the counter. Jaemin rushes for napkins to clean the mess, but Renjun can see the concern that reflects in his eyes. If there's anyone in the world who would understand the dread Renjun feels, it would be the two of them (and Jeno, but he's too busy being disgustingly domestic).</p><p>"You don't mean—"</p><p>"Yes," Renjun interrupts before Donghyuck could say more, groaning as he buries his head in his arms, "The same Xuxi that both me and my brother have feelings for."</p><p>"Well, fuck," Jaemin and Donghyuck chorus, frowning deeply as they regard him. Renjun can only smile.</p><p><em>Fuck, indeed</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It's ridiculous when Renjun thinks about it. His parents are off on yet another trip, typical of their summer schedule. Usually, the summer is when the heirs travel with their parents to learn more of their respective businesses, but Renjun was instructed to say home.</p><p>At three in the morning, he receives an e-mail from his father. A fucking e-mail! Renjun stares at it long and hard, glares at it until everything begins to blur. It doesn't make sense. Surely, it's nothing more than a joke. He really wants it to be a joke.</p><p>But no, it isn't. On his screen reads one line: <em>You are to be engaged to Xuxi Huang in the coming months</em>.</p><p>So he runs, and now he's here, sandwiched between Jaemin and Donghyuck on their bed. They hold him tightly, soothe him with anecdotes to distract him until he's calmer. Donghyuck relates his grievances about Jeno and Mark, whining about how gross and domestic they are every time they come over. Jaemin makes comical noises in response, all while telling Donghyuck that that's what their future looks like too. Donghyuck groans and tells Renjun to slap them both if they ever get as sickeningly sweet as their other two friends.</p><p>They keep talking about other things until Renjun is ready.</p><p>"I mean, I have to stop it, right?" Renjun asks, looking first to Donghyuck then Jaemin. They stay silent, so he presses on. "It's not to be announced quite yet, from what I understand. It's unlikely they would make an announcement before we all have a chance to sit down and discuss. That's how it usually is, right? I can stop it somehow."</p><p>"I'm not sure if we're the right ones to ask about that," Donghyuck answers, and Jaemin nods. "We've been promised since we were twelve. It's not like we've heard any alternative. Growing up, it was just known that it's to happen. Fate was kind enough to us that we ended up developing feelings for each other, so it wasn't really much of a problem."</p><p>"You could always give Donghyuck's brother a call," Jaemin offers. He looks over at Donghyuck, who agrees with a smile. "Taeyong's been wed for, what, four years now? His was more traditional, no?"</p><p>"Yes," says Donghyuck. "I believe the Kims were the third they spoke to. They didn't really keep me in the loop when they had begun meeting with potential partners. I was young and wreaking havoc where I could."</p><p>"We know," Renjun snorts, eyes rolling. "We were there."</p><p>"Anyway, father wanted them to marry as soon as Taeyong turned twenty, but the Kims asked to wait a year so that they could marry when <em>Doyoung</em> was twenty. I've always found the partnership strange considering how different our industries are, but they're married and in love and I won't question it."</p><p>"We're digressing, though!" Jaemin calls out, shifting so he's facing both Renjun and Donghyuck. "Are you really going to attempt to stop the engagement? Do you think your parents would listen? No, actually—do you think the <em>Huangs</em> would listen? They're rather strict when it comes to Xuxi."</p><p>"God, I <em>know</em>," Renjun groans, rubbing at his temples. All the families in their neighborhood are rather close, but the Dongs and the Huangs have special bonds that stand the test of time. From what Renjun's heard, the close relationship between the two families have lasted generations. He knows their family well—Xuxi's relationship with his parents even better. "I have to try, though. I'll talk to Xuxi and tell him we have to put an end to it before it even begins."</p><p>"Better yet, you have to talk to Guanheng."</p><p>"Do I have to?" Renjun sighs. He knows he has to, but he'd much rather not. This is just one more thing that would push him further away, and Renjun hates the thought of losing his brother even more than he already has.</p><p>"Would you rather he find out from someone else?" Renjun looks back at Donghyuck, who's staring at him with a hard gaze. He knows Donghyuck is right, but he's been ardently evading even the remote possibility of conflict with any of his brothers.</p><p>"Is your relationship still bad?" Jaemin interrupts before Donghyuck could say more. Renjun can see the concern that settles on his features, and a part of him feels bad for worrying his friends.</p><p>"It's… I don't know, honestly," Renjun admits with yet another sigh, eyes glued to the ceiling with a vacant stare. "We try to talk like normal, but it's different. It's been tense ever since Sicheng-ge, and I don't know, we've been distant. I'm not even sure if it's me or him being distant. All I know is that everything just feels heavy. I don't even blame them for not wanting to stay home. This whole thing is just going to make things worse."</p><p>"You don't know that, though." Donghyuck pokes his cheek. "Maybe he'll be happy for you. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think it would be."</p><p>Jaemin snorts. "Are you kidding? Do you really think he'll just accept knowing that his brother—the one closest to him, at that—will be marrying the guy he's been in love with all his life?"</p><p>"Jaemin." Donghyuck says sternly. Jaemin looks back at him with his jaw tight, a look Renjun knows too well. That's how Jaemin looks when he has more to say but chooses not to speak. Jaemin doesn't need to say anything, though. Renjun knows him too well; he knows what Jaemin wants to say, and he's glad he doesn't say it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"How is the wedding planning going?"</p><p>The sun had already risen by the time Jaemin offers to take Renjun home. They sit in Jaemin's car in silence, sun shining through the windows, faint music playing from the speakers. Renjun decides to focus on his best friends' wedding instead of his impending engagement, hoping it would give him something else to think about. At least in the meantime.</p><p>"I'm mostly staying out of it," Jaemin says with a grin, stealing a glance in Renjun's way. "I just told Donghyuck I wanted pink as one of our colors, and he can do whatever he'd like for the rest."</p><p>Renjun laughs. It's a genuine laugh that reaches his eyes, a laugh that brings a smile to Jaemin's lips as well. "You know, I've always found it ironic that the heir to a multinational media conglomerate is the most lowkey down-to-earth person I know." Renjun looks over at Jaemin, the corners of his lips tugged upwards. "Donghyuck's lucky to have you."</p><p>"I'm just as lucky to have him," Jaemin laughs. "But you already know this. You grew up with us both."</p><p>Silence befalls them as they reach the Dong Estate. He sees the gardeners working on the flora by the fountain, greeting them with smiles when he catches someone's eye. Even now, Renjun feels heavy. The weight grows even more when Jaemin looks back at him, smile gone. In its place is an expression Renjun hates being on the receiving end of, especially when it's from Jaemin, who knows him too well that sometimes he doesn't even need to say anything for Jaemin to know.</p><p>"Jaemin, don't." Their gazes meet, both sincere and heartfelt in the thoughts they need not say out loud. "Please just don't."</p><p>"I'm not saying anything."</p><p>"I know you want to," Renjun breaks contact, closing his eyes as his head falls against the headrest. "I know what you want to say, and I get it. I do. I'm just so conflicted right now."</p><p>"I know you are," Jaemin whispers, placing a hand atop Renjun's to comfort him. Renjun looks back at Jaemin, who's still staring at him with wholehearted affection glimmering in his eyes. "Jun, don't fight it. Don't fight that voice in your heart telling you to be selfish, to go through with the engagement. You have been selfless all your life. You've… given up a lot for others, given up happiness for the people you love. You deserve to be selfish too, Renjun. You love Xuxi, and I'm pretty sure he loves you too."</p><p>"He doesn't," Renjun quickly retorts, gaze falling to his lap. "And even if he did, it doesn't matter. I may love Xuxi, but I love my brother more."</p><p>Jaemin gives him that look again—jaw tight, holding back words he desperately wants to say. Renjun is thankful he doesn't, because he doesn't know how much longer he can last holding himself together. So he bids Jaemin farewell, wishes him a safe drive back to his house, and watches wistfully as he drives away.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The Estate is too large, too empty. The staff his parents employ make most of its bustle, yet their distant nature makes it feel like there's still no one there at all. Renjun could almost laugh at the irony—the darkness, the heaviness of the atmosphere is a contrast to its architecture. What was once a place of play and laughter and family now holds tragedy and tears and strain.</p><p>Renjun thinks back to when they had first moved here, back when he was eleven and everything was peaceful. Back then, things were much simpler. He was just a child with three brothers who loved being with each other, brothers who spent all of their time with each other without ever getting bored. He wishes he would have known that that summer would be their last summer of peace.</p><p>Now, they're all barely home at the same time. Guanheng spends most of his with Dejun and Yangyang, while Chenle is often out doing God knows what in God knows where. And Sicheng… Renjun doesn't know anything about Sicheng anymore.</p><p>His eyebrows furrow as he thinks about Chenle, wondering if they'd ever have a chance to sit down and discuss his behavior as of late. He worries, but it's not like the youngest of the four Dong children would talk to him about it anyway, so he keeps mum about his thoughts to avoid yet another fight. Chenle wouldn't listen to him. At least he has Kun and the café owners who've been taking care of him while Kun is away.</p><p>Renjun walks up the stairs with a heavy heart, melancholy as he passes by his brothers' rooms, vacant as always. He expects it, yet his heart still twinges in his chest from the absence. It's not like he's any better though—he still spends most of his days elsewhere, unable to face the deafening silence of what used to his home.</p><p>He walks further down the hall with his heart in his throat, weary as he approaches double doors at the end of the corridor. His eyes begin to burn with unshed tears, fingers lightly grazing the white-painted wood. The sun is already high up in the sky, but does Sicheng see it? Does he allow the light into his room?</p><p>Renjun doesn't know what Sicheng's days are like anymore.</p><p>Sicheng's room used to be the brightest of them all—not because of abundant windows or light, but because it's the room they frequented the most. This one was supposed to be for guests, the smallest of all the rooms in the house. Sicheng, as eldest, was supposed to receive the biggest one, but he opted for this instead. Sicheng has always been a simple boy, one who cares more for his brothers' smiles than his own.</p><p>A longing smile ghosts upon his lips, lachrymose as the memories play in his mind.</p><p>His nostalgia is interrupted by the housekeeper, Mrs. Chen, who is carrying a tray he assumes is for Sicheng. Mrs. Chen had been with them since he was a baby, raising all four Dong children as though they were her own.</p><p>"Mind if I bring it in?" Renjun asks.</p><p>"Afraid not, dear," she says. Her kind eyes always make Renjun feel warm. "You know I have explicit instructions from your parents. I wouldn't think Sicheng would want you to see him like this either."</p><p>"I know, I know." He forces a chuckle, stepping back to give her room. "I still had to ask, though."</p><p>There's much sorrow in the way they stare at each other, unspoken solace in their shared gaze. Mrs. Chen excuses herself and unlocks the door, slipping in through the tiniest gap. When she re-emerges, they share another look—one filled with just as much dejection as the last.</p><p>"How is he doing?"</p><p>She says nothing, but her smile tells him all he needs to know. He nods at her as she departs, turning back to the door that's been locked again. He steps closer, palm resting on the surface as he debates whether to speak or not. There's so much going on in his mind, so much brewing in his heart.</p><p>Despite all this, one thing stands out the most—his brothers. Renjun loves his brothers more than anything and anyone in the world, but his family is falling apart and he doesn't know how to stop it. The more he holds on, the more they move away. It's like no matter what he does, it's always going to be wrong. Everything is wrong, and now he has to worry about this engagement too.</p><p>Without realizing it, his tears have fallen.</p><p>"Hey," he starts, voice as shaky as the turmoil within him, "I don't know if you listen whenever we do this. I don't know if you can even hear us. I just—Sicheng, I'm so conflicted. Father, he—Fuck, he told me I'm to be engaged to Xuxi soon. Jaemin says I shouldn't fight it, but I can't lose Hendery. I don't want to give him more reasons to hate me. It's almost been a year and we've just been so… so… We haven't been the same. I miss him. I miss <em>you</em>. I miss… everything."</p><p>Renjun's breath hitches, his tears streaming endlessly down his face. "Come back to us? Please? I promise I'm not mad. I promise we don't blame you for anything. Please come back? Talk to us again? Come back to us, please. We miss you. I miss you, Bao. I <em>need</em> you. We all do."</p><p>He takes a deep breath, wiping on his tears with his sleeve. Then he brings his knuckles to the door, knocking on it with a special rhythm he knows Sicheng would understand. It was something they made up when they were children—their own version of Morse code, because they didn't want to learn the actual thing.</p><p><em>I'm here for you</em>.</p><p>Renjun walks away, not hearing the faint response Sicheng gives him through the door.</p><p><em>I'm sorry</em>, knocked in the special code only they understand.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><a href="http://twitter.com/scammerjaem">twt</a> / <a href="http://curiouscat.me/angstonly">cc</a></p><p>please check out <a href="https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/">this</a> carrd for ways to help the black lives matter movement. no justice, no peace!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. hollow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Guanheng deadpans at him. "You do realize he's more likely to be wallowing in his misery on his bed, no? He's stopped being our brother almost a year ago and—"</p><p>"No," Chenle says firmly, forcing himself not to let his anger get the better of him. "He listens when we speak to him. I know he does."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>:~) annnnd the other two brothers are here</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p>They're all laughing. Chenle is lying down on Sicheng's lap as they sit out in the back garden, Renjun and Guanheng telling Sicheng about the fun adventures they've gone on with their friends. Sicheng looks at all three of them with so much fondness in his eyes, smile so bright that it rivals the sun. It's a memory from his childhood, back when everything was good.</p><p>But then he wakes up and reality punches him in the face. He dreams of good memories because that's all he has now—that and the empty bottles on the ground from the night before.</p><p>Chenle squints as the sunlight hits his face, curtains drawn to let as much light in as possible. He groans as he gets up, back sore from having passed out on the couch. The light doesn't help the jackhammering against his temples, instead lending more to his overall discomfort. The figure by the window snorts, and Chenle makes a face at him.</p><p>"Get a better couch, old man," he whines as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. "This is bad for my back. I'm too young to have back problems."</p><p>"Or," answers Johnny, who moves towards the kitchen as he shakes his head, "you could go home and sleep on your very comfortable, very expensive bed instead of coming here."</p><p>"Hm, I don't think so. I like it here, and I like you." Chenle flashes Johnny a bright smile, one that reaches his eyes. Johnny rolls his eyes.</p><p>"Buy us a better couch then," Johnny quips with a laugh. "I'm kidding, don't do it. Our couch is fine."</p><p>Chenle snorts, craning his neck and giving Johnny the finger in response. Johnny beams at him, moving around the kitchen which Chenle assumes is because he's making breakfast. He leans against the back of the couch and closes his eyes, hoping it would relieve him from some of the ache in his forehead.</p><p>This is his life now—night after night of partying, of thrill-seeking, of doing whatever he can to feel some sort of excitement in his life. Would Sicheng be proud of him? He would always tell Chenle to be happy, to figure out a life beyond what their parents try to decide for them, to live his life according to him and what brings him joy. Chenle remembers all the times he was worried about upsetting his parents, all the times he would comply out of fear. Not anymore. Sicheng has always wanted more for him, and Chenle refuses to let him down again.</p><p>He's pulled out of his thoughts by a loud exhale and a voice.</p><p>"Dear God, <em>you're</em> here again."</p><p>Chenle frowns as he opens his eyes, gaze trailing over towards the new presence next to Johnny in the kitchen. "What's that supposed to mean, long bean?"</p><p>Jisung merely scoffs at him, instead turning to Johnny with his arms folded across his chest. "Hyung, why the fuck is the entitled prince here again? He lives in a fucking mansion yet infests our apartment like a fucking roach."</p><p>"Jisung," Johnny says, tone stern, "be nice."</p><p>"I <em>am</em> nice," Jisung counters with a scowl on his face. Chenle snickers as they make eye contact. The juxtaposition of his words and his expression is entertaining to him, even more so when Jisung rolls his eyes at him before turning back to Johnny. "I just don't understand why fat cat over there is allowed to eat our food."</p><p>"Jisung!" Johnny exclaims, seemingly scandalized.</p><p>Chenle can hear them arguing, but he focuses his attention on the pictures on his phone. He scrolls through them, chuckles at all of the hilarious images of him and Ten on their excursion from the night before. A new club opened downtown and Ten asked Chenle if he could get them in.</p><p>("Don't insult me, Tenneth. Of course I can."</p><p>"Call me that one more time and I'm never hanging out with you again.")</p><p>A new message pops up and his eyes widen. This is some kind of lie, isn't it? There's no way in hell that Guanheng is texting him first. Chenle is wary as he opens the message, eyebrows furrowing as he reads: <em>I'm here to pick you up.</em></p><p>"Johnny," he calls out, "why in the fuck would you call Hendery of all people? Literally anyone else would have been so much better. Even Renjun would have been a better option."</p><p>Johnny raises an eyebrow at him. "I didn't call him, Le."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They sit in the backseat together as Guanheng's driver takes them home, both looking anywhere other than at each other. To no one's surprise, the air between them is stifling. It always has been, but it's become exponentially worse after Sicheng's seclusion.</p><p>"You're going to die young if you keep going like this, Le," Guanheng says, looking over at Chenle with a perfectly crafted impassiveness that's so typical of him that Chenle wants to scream. "How many times do you drink a week? Are you a smoker now, too? What else have you done? Why on earth have you become this reckless? Have you no care for your own life and safety?"</p><p>"I'm not listening to any of this," Chenle snorts, refusing to meet his brother's gaze, "more so coming from you. You have no right to nag at me or <em>judge </em>me for whatever I decide to do with my own fucking life."</p><p>"I don't appreciate the attitude," Guanheng says. He's monotonous as always, and Chenle utterly despises this about his brother the most. "Is this some sort of teenage rebellion? Now that Sicheng isn't holding you on a leash, you're going to do whatever the fuck you want?"</p><p>"Leave my brother's name off your tongue," Chenle hisses. Anytime Guanheng mentions Sicheng, Chenle can't help but feel rage burn in his chest. "You don't deserve to ever speak of him, especially to me. Fuck off with this feigned concern over me or my life." He doubts that Guanheng truly cares about him—he's most likely just seizing any opportunity to take Sicheng's place.</p><p>"He's my brother too, you child." For a split second, Chenle could almost see emotion in Guanheng's eyes, a hint of displeasure seeping through his carefully practiced indifference. "Why is it so difficult for you to believe that I genuinely worry for you? We're brothers. I want you safe."</p><p>"Doing any of this won't make mom and dad choose you over Sicheng or Renjun."</p><p>The words escape him before he has a chance to stop them, and he regrets them as soon as they come out. Guanheng looks away and focuses on the view outside his window, but Chenle can see the shift in his body language. He stiffens, fingers curled to his palms. If he stares hard enough at the window, Guanheng's reflection shows a flicker of pain in his eyes.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he quickly says, voice devoid of any of its former venom. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."</p><p>Guanheng chuckles bitterly as he looks back at Chenle. "You did, though."</p><p>Chenle watches him as Guanheng directs his attention on anywhere other than Chenle. His heart weighs heavily in his chest, stomach filled with needles from all the conflicting emotions he feels. It's almost been a decade since the first strain, since the first time Chenle has questioned their relationship. That was the time Guanheng and Renjun became one exclusive unit, when they'd do everything together so often that he had begun feeling out of place.</p><p>He has always envied them for how close they were, an impenetrable duo that he can only watch from afar. But back then, he had Sicheng to keep him company. Sicheng always made sure that he wouldn't feel lonely. If there was a Guanheng and Renjun, then they can have a Sicheng and Chenle. Sicheng was his haven, his protector, his guardian angel.</p><p>Now, he's all alone, clinging to what little remnants of Sicheng remains beyond his bedroom door. It's why he's attached himself to Kun, why he constantly comes back to Johnny's. He'll take anything that connects him to Sicheng, no matter how small or arbitrary it may be.</p><p>"Johnny said he didn't call you," Chenle says, breaking the silence between them. "How did you know where I was? Why did you come pick me up?"</p><p>"You called me last night," Guanheng answers without looking at him. "You were angry and drunk, yelling at me about the tension between me and Renjun as of late. You were making sure I knew how stupid we're being for letting our relationship drift apart this much."</p><p>"I'm sorry. It was—<em>is</em> none of my business."</p><p>Guanheng falls silent, lips pressed into a tight line as he continues to stare out of the window. His lips part as though to speak, but he hesitates.</p><p>It takes him another moment before finally, Guanheng says, "It <em>is</em> your business. We're brothers. You… have every right to tell us how you feel, what you think."</p><p>Chenle stares at him. "I don't understand you at all, brother."</p><p>Guanheng laughs, and it surprises Chenle. "I don't understand me either."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When they arrive at the Estate, the maids greet them and take their things for them. They seem astounded by their arrival, which Chenle assumes is because of the bellicose nature of their relationship this past year. When he catches one's attention, Chenle can only shrug in response. Even <em>he</em> didn't expect to be walking into their house together like this.</p><p>"Breakfast?" They're asked.</p><p>"None for me," Chenle says with a smile. "Has Sicheng been served his?"</p><p>Mrs. Chen walks over with a warm smile and hugs them both. "I have," she tells them. "Renjun was here too. He spent some time outside of Sicheng's door. He left a little while ago, though."</p><p>They make small conversation for a while until she leaves. When they're left on their own, Chenle hears Guanheng sigh beside him.</p><p>"So he'd rather talk to a door than to me."</p><p>"He's not talking to a door," Chenle corrects him, frowning deeply. "He's talking to Sicheng."</p><p>"What makes you think he's even listening?"</p><p>Chenle bites back the compulsion to quarrel with Guanheng about anything he says about Sicheng. He's always so hostile about Sicheng and Chenle is always ready to fight. This time, though, he takes a deep breath instead. "He's our brother—our big brother. Of course he's listening. He always listens to us."</p><p>Guanheng deadpans at him. "You do realize he's more likely to be wallowing in his misery on his bed, no? He's stopped being our brother almost a year ago and—"</p><p>"No," Chenle says firmly, forcing himself not to let his anger get the better of him. "He listens when we speak to him. I know he does."</p><p>They stare at each other, Chenle's exasperation building the longer they do. Guanheng holds the same sentiments, baffled by Chenle's insistence that Sicheng pays attention.</p><p>"You and Renjun are both fools," says Guanheng.</p><p>"No," answers Chenle, "you are."</p><p>He walks away before Guanheng could say more.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He remembers the breathing exercises Sicheng taught him when he was younger, things he would tell Chenle to do when his anger was rising. Sicheng always told him to stay calm no matter what, to control his emotions so they not cloud his mind. Let his anger remain between the two of them, Sicheng would tell him. Maintain poise and composure around everyone else.</p><p>When he's finally collected himself, he musters up a smile as he sits outside of Sicheng's door. He knocks loudly to inform him that he's there, waiting a beat to give him time to approach if he wasn't by the door already.</p><p>After the silence, he begins to speak, recounting his adventures from the night before and the events of this morning. "Johnny's doing okay, I think. He and Yuta are still an annoying couple, and Ten… Well, you know how Ten is. I think he's nervous about Kun-ge coming back, but he doesn't really tell me anything about them. I'm thinking Ten has a crush. Did you all go hang out together back then?</p><p>"There's that Jisung kid, too. I don't really know what his story is, but he really fucking hates me for some reason." Chenle can't help but laugh at the thought. His presence in their apartment surely soured things between them, but he can't really think about anything else that could lead to Jisung's blatant dislike. "Do you think it could be a middle school thing where he actually secretly likes me?"</p><p>Chenle continues to talk about his night with Ten, relating all the mischief they were up to, all the fun they had together. For a moment, he forgets the hole in his heart. For a moment, he gets caught up in the thrill. For a moment, he isn't so incredibly empty.</p><p>But then he runs out of stories, runs out of things to say, and he finds himself thinking about his brothers. "I heard Renjun came by," he then says. "He's been looking awfully distressed lately, you know. This strange rift with Hendery probably isn't helping. Hendery is the same as always—frustrating and annoyingly confusing. I like to think I'm good at reading people, but Hendery will probably always be an enigma to me.</p><p>"Not that he would want me to be able to read me anyway. He doesn't like me. It's pretty obvious," Chenle is quiet, gaze dropping to his hands. "He only likes Renjun, after all. Though, maybe—I don't know. Maybe he doesn't like any of us right now, all things considered. You should definitely come back and kick his ass."</p><p>Chenle sits in silence as he thinks about Guanheng. As much as he'd like to say he hates him, Chenle knows that he never truly could. He wishes sometimes that he could read minds—if only to be able to read Guanheng's. Chenle never knows what he's thinking, which makes it even more difficult to mend whatever relationship they may have.</p><p>"Anyway." Chenle forces another smile, forces himself to sound more cheerful than he actually truly is. "I think I'm going to take a nap. I still have a hangover and it's really unpleasant. I love you, gege. I love you so much, please always remember that. I'll see you again soon, right? I'll be able to hug you again soon? I love you."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng watches Chenle from a distance, keeping himself fairly hidden as Chenle finishes speaking. He looks sad from where Guanheng is standing, which he supposes is to be expected because of how things are. Does talking to the door really help Chenle? It sounds absurd to Guanheng that a monologue in front of a door would anyone any good, but his brothers seem to believe it does.</p><p>Against his better judgment, Guanheng finds himself walking towards Sicheng's room. He can't even remember the last time he's been in there; it's been far too long. The last time was probably back in childhood, back during their best days, and they were still just kids having fun. He stares at the painted wood with an empty gaze, chest feeling hollow.</p><p>Would Sicheng really listen like Chenle and Renjun seem to believe? Would he listen even if it were Guanheng on the other side? Guanheng finds himself laughing to himself, feeling tears prickle his eyes as he shakes his head.</p><p>
  <em>Of course, he wouldn't. Why would he listen to me?</em>
</p><p>It's not like they were close even before his isolation. Sicheng always favored Chenle, always talked to him instead of Guanheng or Renjun. They're four years apart in age, yet they somehow became the best of friends. Guanheng can't help but feel resentful, wondering why it couldn't have been him to be Sicheng's best friend instead. They were closer in age after all.</p><p>
  <em>Oh right. I pushed him away.</em>
</p><p>Guanheng balls his fists, nails digging into his palms. There's no one else to blame for their distance other than himself. It was Guanheng who turned on Sicheng, condemned him for decisions that were never his to begin with. It was Guanheng who began to evade Sicheng, who resented him for being the person Guanheng has always wanted to be. It was Guanheng who began this fight, and he knows he has to be the one to end it.</p><p>He knows… yet he can't.</p><p>It hurts. Everything hurts.</p><p>He stares at the door, longing gaze filled with everything he can't put into words. He dithers, but eventually turn and speeds away.</p><p>He runs into Chenle on his way out, and they share a startled moment before Guanheng pushes past him. His tears don't fall until he reaches outside, and he quickly calls the first person that comes to his mind.</p><p>He has to get out of here.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>tension tension,,, gotta love my emotionally stunted boys</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://twitter.com/scammerjaem">twt</a><br/><a href="http://curiouscat.me/angstonly">cc</a></p><p>#BlackLivesMatter ! please check <a href="https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/">this</a> carrd for ways to help. we cannot stay silent in the face of oppression.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. ego and pride</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Nothing's changed," Guanheng admits with a sigh, back against the mattress, gaze fixed on the ceiling. "If anything, everything's just become progressively worse. It's almost been a year since Sicheng's accident and… I don't know, everything's still tense. I know it's me, though. I don't know what's wrong with me that I just can't get past it all."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>markno being disgustingly in love incoming</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p>"How in the world do you fuck up pancakes?"</p><p>Guanheng deadpans at the plate of pancakes Mark places in front of him. He stares at Mark, whose ears are burning red, pouting as he does his best to flip the batter on the pan. In the seat beside him sits Jeno, elbows propped up on the counter, chin resting on his palms, ogling Mark like the lovesick fool he is. They've been married for over a year now, and they still look at each other as though they had <em>just</em> fallen in love. It would be cute if they weren't so sickeningly sweet all the goddamn time.</p><p>"I did my best," Mark huffs, turning the stove off and looking at Jeno expectantly. His eyes are shining, round and eager as he watches Jeno take a bite of what Guanheng thinks is an absolute monstrosity. "They're not <em>that</em> bad, are they, pup?"</p><p>Jeno chews, eyes still smiling, not once breaking away from the eye contact. Guanheng doesn't know how Jeno does it, really. He commends Mark's attempts at anything culinary, but they have family chefs for a reason.</p><p>"They're lovely, cub," Jeno answers once he's finished. He smiles up at Mark, who smiles back with all the love in his eyes.</p><p>"Fucking furries." Guanheng rolls his eyes, shaking his head. Even after all this time, he can never get used to hearing Mark and Jeno's pet names for each other. "Perhaps it's true what they say that love makes people blind," he sighs, "or maybe love just kills taste buds."</p><p>"Oh shush, you. Don't be surly on such a beautiful day," Dejun says as he emerges from the other room after finishing a call. He flicks the back of Guanheng's head before seating himself beside him. "Leave them be. They're cute! Not to mention they're the standard for relationships nowadays. I can count on one hand how many happy, healthy relationships I know of. They give me a reason to still believe in love."</p><p>Dejun winks at the couple, and Guanheng fights the laugh threatening to erupt as Mark and Jeno furiously blush at the compliment. As repulsive as Guanheng finds all the endearments and unapologetically blatant displays of their love, he can't deny the power they hold as a couple in their circle. Even without the notoriety of their ridiculous love story, their strength as lovers exceeds expectations of what marriages in their milieu.</p><p>"It's hard to believe in love when we're born the way we are," Dejun sighs as he takes a bite of the pancakes laid out in front of them. He's polite enough to mask his displeasure at the taste, but Guanheng knows him too well to see past it. It brings a smile to his lips, a bit of joy amidst the gloom of his morning. "All these unions in favor of capitalist expansion takes all the romance out of marriage, if you ask me. Mark and Jeno are in love and married, yet still they benefit their respective businesses. I envy it."</p><p>"Their parents adore them both," Guanheng adds, "so it's not exactly surprising they would want their children to marry who they love. Jeno's parents especially." Guanheng turns to Mark, whose face is still pink as he beams at him. "Mark's, however…"</p><p>Mark wrinkles his nose, slight ire on his features. Guanheng supposes parents are always difficult to speak of, especially in their sphere. Rich parents make for infuriating ones, more so those with only one son. "I'd like to give my parents the benefit of the doubt, but even I can't deny that they probably wouldn't have been as inclined if Jeno weren't poised to inherit a family empire."</p><p>"Hey," Jeno exclaims, pout on his lips, "I'm not inheriting the entire empire. My uncles have precedence over me, especially considering how young I still am."</p><p>"I doubt that," says Dejun. "My sources tell me that your father has been in touch with your family lawyers to declare you next in line. Word in the inner circles is that you're to take an active role in the company while you're getting your MBA."</p><p>"Well, if it's from young master Xiao, it's surely to be true!" Guanheng claps his hands, feigned animation in his voice. Dejun rolls his eyes at him and gives him a light shove, making him chuckle.</p><p>"Speaking of marriages, though," Dejun adds, "I heard from father that Xuxi might be the next of us to be wed. He asked me this morning if I'd heard anything from Xuxi, but I haven't been in touch with him much all summer."</p><p>Guanheng raises an eyebrow, ignoring the tightness and budding sense of dread he feels in his chest. "Have you heard anything?" He directs the question to Mark, who is closest to Xuxi out of all of them. "I would assume you'd be first to find out if it were true."</p><p>Mark shakes his head. "We haven't really had any long conversations since he left," he says, eyebrows furrowing as he pauses to think. "He mostly just sends me pictures of animals he encounters. The one time we <em>did</em> get a chance to speak, he mostly complained about how his brain hurt from all the meetings. Mr. Huang insists on having him more involved, it seems."</p><p>"Well, we <em>are</em> graduating," Guanheng hums. "I'd imagine they're putting a lot of pressure on him like the Qians are with Kun-ge."</p><p>"The pressure on Kun-ge is a lot more difficult, though," Dejun counters, lines on his skin from how deeply he frowns. "Mr. and Mrs. Qian are the very definition of stringent. He's been involved in the business since he was very young, but I suppose it's inevitable when you're born a genius. Your parents <em>will</em> exploit you."</p><p>"Our parents exploit us regardless of intellect," offers Jeno, who's taken a pause from shooting heart eyes at his husband to join the conversation once more. "Just like our grandparents exploited our parents, and our great grandparents with our grandparents. It's a never-ending cycle of capitalist expansion. It's how our families have become as powerful as they are now."</p><p>A grin stretches across Guanheng's face as he looks at Jeno, mirth reaching his eyes. "I've always liked you more when you're as cynical as Dejun."</p><p>"It comes with the family name." Jeno's nose scrunches in his upset, his words earning a sympathetic nod from Dejun. They come from two of the most powerful families in the world, children of conglomerates born as tools for economic growth.</p><p>Guanheng thinks back to Dejun's words about Mark and Jeno's marriage. When they're born as they are, they grow with warped definitions of love. Guanheng can admit that what his two friends have is a welcome anomaly to their world, especially with their love having preceded their union. More often do their peers learn to love after marriage, as with the case of Taeyong Lee and Doyoung Kim.</p><p>"Anyway," Mark says, interrupting his thoughts, "if Xuxi really is going to be engaged soon, we'll find out soon enough. He'll probably be complaining to us about it as soon as he comes back."</p><p>While Dejun nods in agreement and falls into conversation with Mark, Guanheng doesn't notice Jeno shifting uncomfortably in his seat.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Guanheng and Dejun bid the nauseating couple goodbye as the sun nears its peak height in the sky, having promised Yangyang that they'd eagerly await his return at Dejun's. Xiao Mansion is always an interesting place to be in—it's just as empty as the Dong Estate, yet it's lively and bustling with positive energy. It's because of Dejun, Guanheng surmises. The employees at the mansion all adore him, which isn't surprising at all to anyone who knows Dejun and his warm heart. He's incredibly easy to love, especially when he himself gives love to everyone he meets.</p><p>"Tell me how you're really feeling," Dejun says as they enter his bedroom. His room is always bright, wall lined with floor-to-ceiling windows that lend to the overall warmth of his home. Xiao Mansion is only one of the many properties owned by his family, but it's Dejun's favorite. Guanheng likes to think it's because they wouldn't have become friends had he not grown up here.</p><p>Guanheng flashes him a smile, as bright as it is insincere. Dejun makes a face at him before throwing a pillow his way, which he knocks aside with a more genuine laugh.</p><p>"I have no idea what you mean," Guanheng hums as he clambers onto Dejun's bed, hugging a pillow as he maintains the feigned grin. He knows it's futile to lie to Dejun, who knows Guanheng sometimes more than Guanheng knows himself. Still, he tries, if just to say he did.</p><p>Dejun, as he expects, deadpans at him, gaze burning into his own with fervor he knows all too well. It's his <em>don't you dare lie to me</em> stare, one he's been on the receiving end of for far too many times before. He doesn't know why he still tries to hide things from Dejun, whose ability to read him seems as natural as it is to breathe.</p><p>"Alright, alright, stop staring at me like that, I'll talk." He pouts, patting the empty space beside him, which Dejun soon occupies. Guanheng sets the pillow aside in favor of holding Dejun instead, pulling him close enough to feel the warmth on his skin.</p><p>The silence sets as Guanheng gathers his thoughts, thinking through the conversation they had at Mark and Jeno's. It's not anything he hasn't thought of before—Xuxi is the only son, the sole heir to their conglomerate. The Huangs have always been candid about their desires for expansion, though they haven't been clear whether they'd do it through union or acquisitions. Guanheng always figured it would be both.</p><p>"Isn't it ironic how the most ruthless businesspeople are those in a helping industry? My family, the Qians, the Huangs—prominent names in the healthcare industry, and yet…"</p><p>Dejun raises a perfectly groomed eyebrow. "<em>That's </em>what's on your mind? Your families' notoriety?"</p><p>"Well, I was thinking about Xuxi, and how the Huangs have always wanted to expand, and my thoughts went there," Guanheng laughs with a shrug. "If we go by industry reputations, yours would be assumed most brutal, no?"</p><p>"To be fair, my family is in too many industries to have a single reputation. Regardless, I feel like it's natural for those in the healthcare industry to <em>be</em> ruthless to a certain degree. Your mistakes cost lives."</p><p>"I suppose that's true," Guanheng mutters, thinking back to overheard conversations of his parents yelling over errors. There was an incident he remembers Renjun telling him a while back about one of their hospitals in some sort of trouble, but their parents refused to close because it was in a rural area that needed them. "Now that you mention it, it makes sense the Huangs are as uptight as they are. Any mistakes in their chemistry can lead to mass casualty."</p><p>They make brief conversation about their families' responsibilities, but Dejun interrupts with a smile and a poke to Guanheng's cheek. "I know what you're doing," he says. "You're avoiding talking about your feelings."</p><p>"Damn, I thought I was going to get away with it," Guanheng makes an exaggerated sigh, again pouting as he looks at an unimpressed Dejun. He should have known Dejun wouldn't just let it pass. "It stings," he admits, "but it's nothing I wasn't prepared for, you know? If it turns out to be true, then doesn't that just mean I really have to let go and move on?"</p><p>Dejun stares at him with the same kindness in his eyes that always brings Guanheng comfort. "I can see you holding back tears as you say that, dummy."</p><p>Guanheng can't help but smile, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall. "You're too observant."</p><p>"No, I just know you."</p><p>They hold each other's gazes in a quiet that isn't as stifling as Guanheng would have expected. Maybe it's the Dejun effect—a feeling of solace, of safety. Dejun has this unique ability to set Guanheng's mind at ease, like everything will always end up okay so long as he has Dejun by his side.</p><p>"Unrequited feelings suck."</p><p>"I know." Dejun smiles at him and pulls him close, hugging him tightly. "But we all have to go through it at least once, right?"</p><p>Guanheng shifts, looking at Dejun with narrowed eyes. "Have you?"</p><p>Dejun stiffens for a split second—imperceptible at best, but Guanheng has always been sentient of Dejun, just as he is with Guanheng. "Not yet, but I'm sure I will eventually."</p><p>Guanheng knows it's a lie. For as much as Dejun knows him, he too knows Dejun. "I'm sure you have your reasons for not telling me, but I do hope you tell me eventually."</p><p>Dejun laughs, sounding nervous to Guanheng. "Perhaps someday."</p><p>They say nothing more of the subject and instead focus on other things.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"What's up, my bitches?" Yangyang bursts though the door with the widest grin imaginable, arms up in the air as he wiggles his body as a greeting. He jumps into bed between Dejun and Guanheng, throwing his arms around them to hug them both tightly.</p><p>They all end up laughing, a typical response to any of Yangyang's antics. Guanheng has always loved how different Yangyang is from them, introducing them to things they otherwise wouldn't know.</p><p>Yangyang moved into their neighborhood in middle school, new money born out of newfound fame when his parents' blogs and YouTube videos became viral. He isn't born into the same circumstances as the rest of them, which isn't exactly regarded well by snooty kids who've always been swimming in money. Yangyang was tenacious despite the disapproval, and no one dared to touch him once Dejun welcomed him into their group.</p><p>"Come on, don't be shy, tell me you missed me." Yangyang is still grinning at them, and it's so infectious that they both can't help but grin back.</p><p>"We missed you," the two chorus, laughing as Yangyang presses affectionate kisses to both their cheeks.</p><p>"I thought you weren't coming back until the beginning of the semester," Dejun points out with a pout.</p><p>"Yeah, well, it turns out that I don't really care about my parents sucking up to rich people to get brand deals." He wrinkles his nose, shaking his head. "So I asked them if I could fly back home so I could see my boys sooner."</p><p>Something about Yangyang referring to them as his boys brings an odd feeling to the pit of his stomach, but he chooses to ignore it and focuses on his friends instead. "Cheesy," he says, yet unable to hold back the smile on his lips, "but we really did miss your dramatic ass."</p><p>"Okay, so," Yangyang hums, "spill everything. Tell me the gossip. What the hell's been going on since I left? You guys suck at using your phone, by the way."</p><p>They fill him in on their summer, uneventful as it is. The only real thing to speak of is their conversation from this morning, which is exactly the kind of information Yangyang likes to know. He's always been intrigued by the life they live, the way their families work. Yangyang always has interesting input when they talk about it all, which is yet another thing they love about him.</p><p>"So Xuxi might be getting engaged," Yangyang repeats. "It must suck being the only son of an influential family like his. The Huangs seem worse than your parents, Xiao."</p><p>"My parents aren't robotic, thank you," Dejun defends with a roll of his eyes. "They actually don't care about the business marriages as they let people believe. It's all for show. Mother always tells me I can be with whomever I choose to be with. If father has a problem with it, she'll handle it. Although, I can't imagine father ever be against my happiness."</p><p>"And it's very surprising since Dejun's practically a prince," adds Guanheng.</p><p>"Don't believe him," Dejun says to Yangyang. "The Dongs are the most powerful family here. It goes beyond their work in the healthcare industry—that's only Guanheng's lineage. His whole family tree is filled with powerful people in many places. Political and academic dynasties type of powerful."</p><p>"Oh damn," Yangyang shifts to face Guanheng with yet another shit-eating grin. "That's so sexy."</p><p>"It's not," Guanheng sighs. "I hate the political side of the family, but I can't really say shit since I was born as capitalist scum."</p><p>"Same here," Dejun chuckles.</p><p>"But you're <em>my</em> capitalist scum!" Yangyang hugs them both again, laughing so cheerily that they find themselves laughing along.</p><p>As the laughter dies down, Yangyang turns to Guanheng once more, this time sporting a more serious expression on his face. "You, though," he says. The intensity in which he stares brings some discomfort to Guanheng that he can't quite explain. "I worry about you."</p><p>The last time they had a serious conversation, it was about his brothers. It's unsurprising that Yangyang would be worried considering the state of his relationships right before he left.</p><p>"Nothing's changed," Guanheng admits with a sigh, back against the mattress, gaze fixed on the ceiling. "If anything, everything's just become progressively worse. It's almost been a year since Sicheng's accident and… I don't know, everything's still tense. I know it's me, though. I don't know what's wrong with me that I just can't get past it all."</p><p>"Ego and pride," says Yangyang. "What?" He exclaims, rubbing at his side when Dejun elbows him harshly. "It's true! Hendery, you have a huge stick so far up your ass when it comes to anything Sicheng and now Renjun. Do you really expect things not to get worse?"</p><p>Dejun scolds Yangyang, but Guanheng knows Yangyang won't relent. It's an important part of why their trio works—Yangyang provides the voice for what they know needs to be said, regardless of how difficult it may be. Dejun reproaches him because that's just how Dejun is, but they all know Yangyang's words are important.</p><p>It's funny, though. Ego and pride. With how much he's been put down and cast aside all his life, he's surprised he still has any left.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Night time is different now. Back then, it's when Chenle would climb into Sicheng's bed and they would update each other about their day. Night time was his Sicheng time, when he could forget the rest of the world and feel the protection in his brother's arms. Sicheng would hold him close and listen as he sounds off on his frustrations of the day, fingers carding through Chenle's hair in a way that always calms him. He misses those nights.</p><p>He misses Sicheng.</p><p>Chenle leans back on the outdoor chair on Johnny's balcony, having returned after sleeping his day away. He would have gone out again, but he didn't want to go alone. He sighs, twirling a cigarette between his fingers, going back and forth in his mind about whether to light it. He's smoked before—just once, just to try it. Sicheng always encouraged him to try everything once, but only when he's there to make sure Chenle will be okay. He doesn't like it all too much, but it helps him sometimes when his mind is too preoccupied for anything else.</p><p>He looks up at the sky, watches the stars twinkle around the moon. He can almost hear Sicheng's voice pointing out constellations. Sicheng had a fascination with astronomy a while back, and Chenle always loved hearing him talk about it. Chenle loves hearing Sicheng speak about his passions in general. That was always when Sicheng seemed happiest, the stars in his eyes instead of the sky, smile so much brighter than the full moon he loves so much.</p><p>"This will kill you," Johnny interrupts his thoughts, snatching the cigarette away from him and tossing it into the bin nearby. He takes the empty seat beside Chenle, a small smile on his lips.</p><p>"That's fine," Chenle shrugs, shooting a lopsided smile in Johnny's direction.</p><p>Johnny's smile disappears and he stares at Chenle, unamused. "Chenle."</p><p>"Sorry, defense mechanism," he chuckles, shifting his gaze back to the sky above. "Humor is a lot easier than confronting… everything else. I'd rather not have to think of the hollow feeling in my chest every time I wake up."</p><p>"I get it," Johnny says, sighing as he follows Chenle's gaze towards the midnight blues overhead. "Feelings are a bitch to confront."</p><p>"How exactly do you get it?" Chenle scoffs. "You're happy. You have a long-term partner who loves you. You have a happy family you come home to every night. I don't have anything. All the things I can do and buy with the money I have doesn't mean shit when I don't have Sicheng here to enjoy them with me."</p><p>Johnny is wistful as he smiles back at Chenle, who realizes belatedly how awfully egocentric his words were.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Chenle quickly says. "I was insensitive."</p><p>"It's okay," answers Johnny with a plaintive smile. "We all deal with loss differently."</p><p>Chenle swallows thickly, heart heavy in his chest as he shares a pensive gaze with Johnny. "Do you miss him?" He asks tentatively.</p><p>"Every single day."</p><p>"You… never talk about him," Chenle says, quiet as he stares at his hands.</p><p>"Not to you," Johnny admits.</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>Johnny's smile stretches wider, head tilting slightly. "Do you want me to?"</p><p>Chenle pauses, unsure. It's not like he truly <em>doesn't</em>, it's just that talking about him would mean talking about everything else. He's certain there's more to it all than Chenle is aware of, and he doesn't know if he's prepared to find out.</p><p>"That's why," Johnny says before he could answer. "You're not ready to talk about him."</p><p>"It's not that I hate him," Chenle sighs, looking up at the moon, "I just—I don't know, it's still—"</p><p>"Hey," Johnny interrupts, placing a hand on Chenle's shoulder, "you don't have to explain, Le. I get it. I don't talk to you about Sicheng, do I?"</p><p>Chenle smiles sadly, ignoring the tears forming in his eyes. "Do <em>you</em> hate <em>him</em>? Are you angry with Sicheng?"</p><p>"Of course not. It's not his fault."</p><p>"He blames himself," Chenle whispers, a lump forming in his throat. "He wouldn't stop crying and blaming himself when father told him. I've never—He—"</p><p>As Chenle's tears roll down his cheeks, Johnny wraps an arm around him and holds him close. Chenle leans against him, shaking as he cries into his palms. He hates this—the tears, the emotions, the tug in his heart. He wishes he'd gone out, he wishes he could have avoided feeling all of this.</p><p>"I miss him," he chokes out. "I want my brother back. I want Sicheng back."</p><p>"I know you do," Johnny whispers, letting Chenle cry on his shoulder. When he's like this, Johnny remembers that Chenle is just a child—a broken young boy trying to find answers for all the questions in his heart. "You'll get him back, Le. Trust me, he'll come back to you."</p><p>"I'm sorry," Chenle sobs, pulling away to stare at Johnny with tearful eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm being such a baby. I'm sorry."</p><p>"You don't have to apologize," Johnny brushes Chenle's tears away, ruffling his hair afterwards. "You have every right to miss him and want him back, okay? It's okay. You don't have to apologize."</p><p>Chenle's lips quiver as he attempts to fight his tears. The way Johnny smiles at him is so warm, so kind, and that's all it takes for Chenle to completely unravel in Johnny's arms. Johnny consoles him the entire time, reassuring him that everything will be okay. No matter what, Chenle will be okay.</p><p>"We're your family too now," Johnny tells him. "Jisung will warm up to you eventually."</p><p>Chenle laughs at this, shaking his head. "Nah, he hates me."</p><p>"He doesn't," Johnny smiles, running his fingers through Chenle's hair. Chenle looks up at him with tearful eyes. "He just… misses Jaehyun."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>JAEHYUN?!?????!?!??!??</p><p><a href="http://twitter.com/scammerjaem">twt</a> / <a href="http://curiouscat.me/angstonly">cc</a></p><p>hello dear readers please check <a href="http://forjusticeforpeace.carrd.co">this</a> carrd for information about blm and the terror bill in the philippines &amp; how to help</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. the guilt he carries</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It stings. The quiet is too loud and unbearable, but no one speaks. Renjun feels his anger rise, frustrated by the disconnect between his heart and his mind. He knows where his friends are coming from. He knows how they feel about his relationship with Guanheng. He knows that he gives and gives and gives, and he knows he has to draw a line somewhere.</p><p>He knows all of this, but he'd rather lose Xuxi than lose another brother.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p>"YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD HIM?!"</p><p>All three of his best friends yell in unison, eyebrows pinched together, hands on their hips as three pairs of eyes burn holes into his skull. They're standing in front of him with pure disbelief on their faces, and Renjun would laugh if not for the absolute horror he feels.</p><p>He's sitting in the lounge, sinking into the plush gray velvet of the recliner as he groans, hiding his face behind his palms. Jaemin and Donghyuck's, which they've now aptly dubbed as The Hideaway, has been Renjun's (literal) hideaway since he first found out about his impending engagement. Exactly one month ago.</p><p>He peeks between his fingers, desperately wishing he could just disappear, especially when all three of them are still staring at him like he's committed a mortal sin. Though he supposes that in retrospect, he might as well have.</p><p>Despite the strain in their relationship, his brother is still his best friend. He's still one of the most important people in his life. If he finds out from anyone other than Renjun, he's sure that Guanheng will see it as the ultimate form of betrayal. It would be the last straw—the final crack that destroys them forever.</p><p>Renjun sees Jeno move, taking a seat on the recliner connected to the one he's sitting on. He refuses to look back at Jaemin and Donghyuck, who he knows are still glaring at him, and turns to face Jeno instead.</p><p>"Renjun, why haven't you told him?" Jeno asks, voice soft as he looks at Renjun with genuine concern in his eyes.</p><p>He sighs, lips pressed into a thin tight line as he thinks of what to say. He can come up with as many excuses as he wants—they rarely see each other now, there's never a good enough time, the engagement isn't even confirmed yet, <em>whatever</em>.</p><p>But the truth he knows deep down in his heart, the real reason he can't bring himself to say anything, is that he's scared and irrevocably puzzled. On the one hand, he's absolutely terrified of how Guanheng will react to the news. He's had feelings for Xuxi since their childhood years, and Renjun doesn't want to make the rift between them even wider than it already is. On the other hand, Renjun is still torn. He isn't sure if he's going to go through with it or not, and he'd rather not say anything in the case that it doesn't even happen.</p><p>Donghyuck's sigh pulls him out of his thoughts. "Have you at least talked to Xuxi?</p><p>"I haven't," Renjun admits with a sigh of his own. "We talk every day, but he either doesn't know about it, or he doesn't want to talk about it either. Regardless, I already know he's going to be against it. Xuxi has always resented that part of our life—constantly controlled, having everything decided for us."</p><p>There's a silence that hangs over their heads, stifling and unpleasant as they fall into their own thoughts. Renjun can imagine how his best friends are thinking—should he ever be in their shoes, he would feel the same way. They want the best for him, want him to enjoy the happiness of betrothal to someone he genuinely holds love for. It's what they all have—Donghyuck and Jaemin, Jeno and Mark. They want that for him.</p><p>But things aren't as simple for him as they were for the rest of them. There are other things to consider, other more dire things to ponder before he can allow himself the indulgence of love.</p><p>"Why can't you just let it happen?" Jeno asks. He's frowning, and it makes Renjun feel worse than he already does.</p><p>"You know why," he answers, voice low and soft. "I just can't do it."</p><p>"It's bullshit, Renjun. Why would you deprive yourself of love just because Guanheng might be unhappy about it?" Jeno's tone is too icy for his liking, and Renjun would very much like to disappear. When it's Jeno voicing displeasure, it becomes all the more difficult to ignore. He's the kindest one, the sweetest one, the most supportive one. Renjun shudders at the memory of angry Jeno breaking a table back in freshman year. (He politely offered to replace said table the next day.)</p><p>"He's my brother, Jeno." He turns to face his friend, eyebrows furrowed, lips tight. Jeno stares back at him, clearly dismayed.</p><p>"Renjun, you have to stop—"</p><p>"No, <em>you</em> have to stop," grits Renjun. He doesn't expect them to understand how he feels, but he would have hoped they could at least support whatever he decides. "I can't believe this. Are you insisting I turn away from my own brother? I won't! I refuse to."</p><p>"That's not what we're saying." Jeno speaks softly this time, in that usual soothing way he usually does. "We just want you to put yourself first for a change. You've devoted so much of your life giving way to others, sacrificing your own desires to protect others' feelings. You have this opportunity, yet you still want to let it go because of him. You're not being fair to yourself, and it's painful to watch."</p><p>It stings. The quiet is too loud and unbearable, but no one speaks. Renjun feels his anger rise, frustrated by the disconnect between his heart and his mind. He knows where his friends are coming from. He knows how they feel about his relationship with Guanheng. He knows that he gives and gives and gives, and he knows he has to draw a line somewhere.</p><p>He knows all of this, but he'd rather lose Xuxi than lose another brother.</p><p>"Would he do the same for you?"</p><p>Renjun's heart sinks to his stomach at the sound of Jaemin's voice breaking into the silence. He realizes then that Jaemin hasn't said a word since the conversation had begun, which he could only ascribe to Jaemin's growing exasperation over the situation at hand. He'd been the most vocal about his disapproval, and even when he says nothing, it's written in his eyes.</p><p>"That's not the point, Jaemin," Renjun says, hoping that his voice is steady enough. He looks into Jaemin's eyes, returning the rage burning into his own. Jaemin doesn't understand; he never has.</p><p>"No, it is," Jaemin scoffs, not once breaking away from the contact. The weight of his stare is too much for Renjun to bear. He is rarely the object of Jaemin's fury, and it's always destructive when he is. "You bend over backwards to protect his feelings, work your ass off to put his happiness above your own. He's been an ass to you ever since you took over for Sicheng, yet you still put him before yourself. You're driving yourself nuts constantly thinking of him, while he sits on his petty ass resenting you for something that wasn't even your fault to begin with."</p><p>Renjun feels his eyes burning with unshed tears as they continue to glare each other, hoping he can hold it in long enough until he can leave. He refuses to look away, refuses to buckle and cave. Jaemin doesn't understand, and Renjun doubts he ever will.</p><p>From his peripheral, he sees Jeno and Donghyuck mouthing words at each other. Still, Renjun and Jaemin focus on each other, neither willing to give in. Renjun doesn't know how much longer it takes, but they finally look away when Jeno grabs Jaemin and Donghyuck leads him away.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"He's right, you know." Donghyuck sneaks a glance at him.</p><p>"I know." Renjun refuses to look.</p><p>The conversation between Renjun and Donghyuck ends there. They lie in bed side by side, hand in hand, both staring up at the white ceiling tiles. Renjun remembers the day Donghyuck and Jaemin picked the patterns, arguing over whether he should keep it simple or go for the dramatic flair. Renjun suggested a few happy mediums, and they settled on tiles and diamonds.</p><p>Renjun knows where Jaemin is coming from; of course he does. He and Jaemin are best friends, looking out for each other from the day they met. Jaemin, Jeno, and Donghyuck have been his support system from the day they met, and Renjun knows they come from a place of concern. They want the best for him. They want him happy.</p><p>"He doesn't understand," Renjun whispers.</p><p>Donghyuck squeezes his hand. "He doesn't."</p><p>The silence that envelops them is more comfortable than back in their lounge. When it's just Renjun and Donghyuck, Renjun is consoled by the fact that Donghyuck just always understands. Theirs is a relationship easily misunderstood, easily mistaken as something completely different from what it truly is.</p><p>Most people don't know that it was Donghyuck who stayed with Renjun for months in his bed after Sicheng's seclusion, holding him all night and assuring him everything will be okay. Most people don't know that it was Renjun who stood by Donghyuck when his parents were against his theater dreams, encouraging him to follow his heart and do what makes him happiest. Most people don't know they've been each other's strength since they were still playing in their ridiculously expensive custom-made cloth diapers.</p><p>Most people don't know how deeply their bond runs, how much genuine love and support run at the very core of their relationship.</p><p>Friendship is too narrow, too simple of a word to describe what Renjun and Donghyuck have. It goes far beyond that, and they know it in their hearts.</p><p>They're soulmates.</p><p>"Do you agree with him?" Renjun swallows thickly, shifting to look at Donghyuck, who turns to look at him as well. He watches the softness in Donghyuck's eyes as they hold each other's gaze, fingers still intertwined. "With both of them?"</p><p>"Why ask something you already know the answer to?" Donghyuck's voice is without its usual snark, instead laced with all the care he holds in his heart for Renjun.</p><p>Renjun cracks a smile. "I want to hear you say it. I need you to."</p><p>Donghyuck hesitates as his lips part. Renjun can understand his reluctance—it's a rule they've adopted over the years that they leave things unspoken unless absolutely dire. When it's so serious that it needs intervention, that's when they vocalize whatever opposition they may feel.</p><p>"I want you happy, Junnie," Donghyuck says. "You do so much for the people around you. You give so much to everyone around you, and it's one of the things I love the most about you. I just wish that you would give yourself just as much, if not more. You're kind and selfless and so incredibly loving, except when it comes to yourself. And as someone who loves you, it's really frustrating to see."</p><p>Renjun sighs and holds onto Donghyuck's hand tightly, still looking deeply into his eyes. He knows all of this—he knows how Donghyuck feels about him, about all the things he <em>doesn't</em> do for himself. He knows, and he hates that he still can't bring himself to do something about it.</p><p>"I don't want him to hate me even more, Hyuck." Renjun peels his gaze away to again focus on the ceiling. "I just can't do it. I can't. I don't know, I just—"</p><p>"Hey, it's okay," Donghyuck interrupts. "You don't have to explain it to me. I would do anything for Taeyong, just like how you'd do anything for your brothers. I get it. I really do."</p><p>Renjun knows what Donghyuck chooses not to say, Jaemin's voice ringing in his ears.</p><p>
  <em>Would he do the same for you?</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He's back in his room after hours of conversations with Donghyuck about nothing and everything, leaving only until he'd finally calmed. His fights with Jaemin never last very long, so it was no surprise to anyone that they hug it out right as Renjun is about to go.</p><p>Renjun stares at his phone, and he really wants to fucking scream.</p><p>He hates how fast is heart is beating, how loudly every beat is ringing in his ears. It's so incredibly stupid and juvenile how much his stomach is churning with just one simple message from Xuxi.</p><p><em>Hello</em>, the text reads. Fucking 'hello'! There's absolutely nothing romantic about this, yet his heart decides it's appropriate to scream Xuxi's name over and over and over.</p><p>Hello. What the hell, Renjun? When the fuck did you become this guy?</p><p><em>You've always been this guy</em>, he hears Donghyuck comment in his head. Renjun sighs because yes, unfortunately, Donghyuck is right.</p><p>He huffs as he starts typing in a reply. A quick hello back, perhaps? Hey? What the hell do people say after 'hello'? Renjun hates this so much. Why is he like this? This is Xuxi, one of his closest friends. This kind of reaction is absolutely <em>not</em> warranted.</p><p>Maybe.</p><p>Renjun thinks back to the last time he saw Xuxi and smiles fondly. It was at the end of the spring semester, for an end-of-the-year party hosted by Jungwoo Kim at their family's seaside villa. Jungwoo disappeared halfway through the night, which they all know is due to Taeil's surprise arrival. Taeil was supposed to still be on tour, but he insisted on coming back for two days to celebrate Jungwoo's graduation.</p><p>With a packed villa full of Jungwoo's friends, Renjun opted to stay close to the walls and enjoy drinks on his own while his friends fluttered about the house making connections with everyone there. In retrospect, Renjun supposes he should've done the same considering his new role in the family.</p><p>Xuxi found him around midnight, sitting on the beach with his knees drawn to his chest, so incredibly drunk that he couldn't stop laughing at the way the waves crash against nearby rocks. Xuxi, who was just as drunk, started laughing with him. They spent the rest of the night together, talking and flirting and drinking until they both had to go.</p><p>They never speak of it again, and Renjun is thankful for it. As fun as the night was, he couldn't help but think of Guanheng.</p><p>His phone buzzes again. <em>I'm picking you up for dinner at 7. Can't wait to see you :)</em></p><p>Renjun may have yelped and dropped his phone on his face. Renjun is glad no one's here to see how much of a mess he is when it comes to Xuxi. He hops out of bed and makes a beeline for his closet.</p><p>Then he hears a faint knock on his door and the door opens. Renjun feels his heart clench.</p><p>"Hey, can we talk?" Guanheng pokes his head in with a smile before walking inside.</p><p>"Yes, of course," Renjun abandons his search for clothes to follow Guanheng into the small sitting area of his room. "God, fuck, I would love to talk. I just—Let me reschedule my dinner plans so we can talk."</p><p>"Ooh, dinner plans," Guanheng's smile widens. "With who? Is it a date?"</p><p>Renjun laughs and shakes his head. "No, it's Xuxi. He got back today and we were going grab dinner. It's okay, though! I'll tell him—"</p><p>"No, it's fine," Guanheng interrupts, already getting up to leave. "Have fun at dinner. We can talk when you get back. It's not a problem."</p><p>"Wait. Guanheng, hold on," Renjun calls out as he follows after him.</p><p>Guanheng pauses by the door, looking back at Renjun with a slight tilt to his head. "Yeah?"</p><p>Renjun stares back at him, trying to find the right words to say. "Nothing. I just—I miss you."</p><p>Guanheng flashes him another smile, one that reaches his eyes. "I miss you too, brother."</p><p>Renjun sighs as the door closes.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　—　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sicheng blinks awake, the darkness a comforting hug as he stares at his ceiling. He reaches out, looking at his hand, tracing each scar on his skin with his fingers. Lines long and short, faded reminders of his mistakes. His selfishness. His grief.</p><p>When he closes his eyes, he sees the city lights, hears cars and motorcycles and people. Laughter, chatter. Lively and bright as the city itself. When he opens them again, tears roll down the side of his face.</p><p>How long has it been? Sicheng wouldn't know if not for his phone. Almost a year, according to his calendar. It feels like it's been longer. In the confines of this room, there is no sense of time. He sleeps his days away, wakes just to listen to the words spoken through his door.</p><p>His phone buzzes. He smiles, melancholy as he reads the messages from Chenle and Kun. They still update him about their day, sending him messages as though everything were as they were. He never has energy to respond, but they still talk to him anyway. He doesn't deserve them. He doesn't deserve them at all.</p><p>Kun sends him voice messages a lot. He usually talks like normal, but sometimes he gets sad. Sometimes he talks about the reality of it all, talks about how much he misses Sicheng and his voice. They need him, Kun says. They all do.</p><p>Sicheng feels so guilty, so awful. This is all his fault. His brothers are tense with each other all because of him. Kun feels responsible for his own brothers because of him, because of his inability to crawl out of the despair that he knows is his own fault too.</p><p>He's worthless and sick and he doesn't deserve them. He doesn't deserve any of them.</p><p>He deserves to stay in his room, trapped in the darkness that mirrors his own soul.</p><p>Chenle's messages are funny. They're cheerful, but Sicheng knows that his brother isn't as happy as he tries to appear. He can hear it in Chenle's voice every time he sits outside his door. He tries to sound okay, tries to sound upbeat for Sicheng's sake. It's Chenle's way of caring for him, knowing that Sicheng would worry about him.</p><p>His brothers are suffering, and it's all his fault.</p><p>Sicheng stares at the voice message Kun sent, just waiting to be played. His fingers are shaky as he taps on it. Kun's voice fills the empty room, echoes off his walls.</p><p>"Hey, partner." Sicheng's tears fall more, choking back sobs behind his hand. Kun sounds soothing and warm as always. He can picture him clearly in his mind.</p><p>"I'm in our corporate office in Rhode Island right now. They're really pushing for me to take over in the next five years or so. Isn't that ridiculous?" Kun laughs, but Sicheng knows it's empty. "I told them I'm not ready, but they apparently know me better than I know myself. What can I do, though? They own me."</p><p>A beat passes. He hears shuffling. Kun is probably walking somewhere.</p><p>"I'm sorry I've been away," he continues. Sicheng expends the breath he doesn't realize he's been holding. "I'll be back soon, I promise. I feel awful for leaving, especially right now. I should be there for Chenle. He's spending a lot of time with Ten, though. They both call me about their adventures. He sleeps over at Johnny's a lot too. I'm glad Chenle has them."</p><p>Sicheng sits up in bed, unable to stop himself from crying at the mention of Chenle.</p><p>"They're taking care of him, Sicheng," Kun whispers. "We all are."</p><p>He hears a door close. Everything is silent.</p><p>"I miss you a lot. I miss my best friend." Kun's voice breaks, giving way to the vulnerability he doesn't like to show anyone. "I'm sorry, Sicheng. I'm so sorry. None of this would have happened if I just—I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me someday. I miss you."</p><p>Sicheng sobs into his palms as the message ends, angry that Kun blames himself for a decision that Sicheng made. It's not Kun's fault—it's Sicheng's. There's no one else to blame but him. It's all his fault, and he will carry this guilt with him for the rest of his life.</p><p>The door opens, and Mrs. Chen comes in with his dinner. She looks at him with warm eyes, setting the tray of food on his bed with a sad smile. Sicheng looks up at her, eyes red and swollen. Her heart breaks, and he can see it on her face.</p><p>"Oh sweet child," she mutters, immediately going over to him and giving him a tight hug. "Oh Sicheng, it's not your fault. It's not your fault."</p><p>Sicheng breaks down in her arms, crying and whimpering as she rubs soothing circles on his back. <em>It's not your fault</em>, she keeps saying.</p><p>No matter how many times he hears it, he doesn't think he'll ever believe it. It <em>is</em> his fault. It's his fault things have fallen apart. It's his fault everything is wrong. It's his fault. There's no convincing him otherwise.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a glimpse into sicheng's life in his room poor baby T-T</p><p>
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